So disappointed.....

I just don't know how much more I can take. Well, the good news is I pretty much quit smoking today. Started on my 1st patch this morning and only smoke 1/2 of a cig tonight, so only about 6 puffs for the entire day, down from a pack a day. Kenny has quit with me, but he isn't using anything to help him. I haven't felt irritable at all, no physical withdrawal yet either, just keep having to tell myself it is not time to go smoke.

Anyway, I got home about 2:30 today, and from the time I walked in the door, everything that I have said has been wrong. We literally haven't been able to talk at all today. I just don't know what to think. I want some reason to blame it on, because I just don't want to believe that our relationship has deteriorated this far. He didn't take his morning meds until 5 pm last night, so he didn't take the night time dose. And today he was quitting smoking with no help. I pray to God it is just the combination of those two things.

Like I said, almost everything he has said to me today has either been really snappy or just outright hateful. Multiple times I told him we are both suffering from quitting and the worst thing we can do is take it out on each other, because we are BOTH suffering, and it just makes the other more miserable. I haven't tried to push him to talk at all. He was reading me his homework, and asked me what I thought. I told him I understood the question in a totally different way than him, and tried to tell him what I thought it said. He started yelling at me, so I told him just do it all himself. Just leave me out of it, everytime he askes for my opinion and I give it to him, even if it is just to change one word, he gets pissed at me. I don't want to go through it anymore. I would rather his grades be lower, maybe that is selfish, but I can't help it.

Something changed in me today, it is like by not having nicotine, I have lost my fire. Each time he has been nasty, I didn't yell back, I just started crying. I am so tired of this. I just want the person I fell in love with back so badly. I truly feel like I am married to a completely different person. And to be perfectly honest, I don't like this new person very much at all.

When the old Kenny saw tears, he would lighten up because he realized it was hurting me. Now if I cry I just get made fun of. God forbid I say something while crying, then he just mimicks me like we did when we were in grade school. That is so demeaning. It seriously makes me feel stupid and weak because the more he does it the more I cry which just makes him worse.

A little bit ago, we got into it again. Kenny had played the XBOX about 2 hours, and I had run Ashley to the potty 6 times on false alarms, well the one time I said we aren't going unless you really have to go, she started grunting. Well off we ran, but it was to late, let me rephrase that, Kenny ran her to the bathroom, I was printing his reading out, and ran back there to. Well, Kenny left and came back in the living room while I sat in there for 10 minutes trying to get her to go, then wiping her. I didn't have a diaper in the bathroom, so I brought ash and a diaper to Kenny and said "Can you put her diaper on so I can finish putting your school work together?" He got pissed, got up stomping and screaming at me that I was tired of taking care of her and that I think he doesn't take care of her. I just stood there looking at him, and I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn't help it. He screamed at me to stop fucking staring at him, which just made me cry harder. I sat down at the desk and put my elbows on it, and put my head in my hands. I just wanted to disappear so bad! He paced back and forth around me, screaming and cussing, that I think he is a piece of shit, and everything he does it wrong, and he started screaming right in my ear that I am perfect and I never do a fucking thing wrong, little miss perfect. I swear on ashley's life, I never said a word! He went on and on and on. He tries to say he gets so mad because I scream at him and follow him around, honestly it doesn't matter what I do, nothing makes it better or worse, it just is what it is no matter what.

I absolutely do not think I am perfect, I tried very hard today to not be snappy because I knew Kenny was having a worse time than me. But I am sure I probably did snap at him at least once. But Jesus, everything out of my mouth was wrong!

I just want somebody to tell me this will pass! I just need a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. The other day at the VA there was a gulf war vet that got talking to Kenny, and right before we walked away, he Thanked Kenny again, then looked at me and thanked me for standing beside Kenny. He told Kenny that sometimes it is harder for the women to stand by the men, than for the men to go through what they do. I just wanted to bust out sobbing right there! I do not pity myself or want anyone else to pity me at all. But God it was so nice to have someone look in my eyes and truly know how hard it can be not to walk away!

I don't WANT to leave Kenny. I do still love him, but there truly comes a point when you have to step back and look at the positive and negative effects on your mental and emotional well being. I seriously don't know if I can do this much more! In a way I am looking forward to Rexon coming up, Rexon wont hesitate to tell Kenny he is being an Ass and maybe if he hears that from someone else, then he wont just think it's me putting the blame on him. Also, once Rexon gets his own place, maybe he would have a little extra space and we could take some time apart.......I need a break from this!

Well Gary, let me know what you think.....A little feedback please!