So disappointed.....

I just don't know how much more I can take. Well, the good news is I pretty much quit smoking today. Started on my 1st patch this morning and only smoke 1/2 of a cig tonight, so only about 6 puffs for the entire day, down from a pack a day. Kenny has quit with me, but he isn't using anything to help him. I haven't felt irritable at all, no physical withdrawal yet either, just keep having to tell myself it is not time to go smoke.

Anyway, I got home about 2:30 today, and from the time I walked in the door, everything that I have said has been wrong. We literally haven't been able to talk at all today. I just don't know what to think. I want some reason to blame it on, because I just don't want to believe that our relationship has deteriorated this far. He didn't take his morning meds until 5 pm last night, so he didn't take the night time dose. And today he was quitting smoking with no help. I pray to God it is just the combination of those two things.

Like I said, almost everything he has said to me today has either been really snappy or just outright hateful. Multiple times I told him we are both suffering from quitting and the worst thing we can do is take it out on each other, because we are BOTH suffering, and it just makes the other more miserable. I haven't tried to push him to talk at all. He was reading me his homework, and asked me what I thought. I told him I understood the question in a totally different way than him, and tried to tell him what I thought it said. He started yelling at me, so I told him just do it all himself. Just leave me out of it, everytime he askes for my opinion and I give it to him, even if it is just to change one word, he gets pissed at me. I don't want to go through it anymore. I would rather his grades be lower, maybe that is selfish, but I can't help it.

Something changed in me today, it is like by not having nicotine, I have lost my fire. Each time he has been nasty, I didn't yell back, I just started crying. I am so tired of this. I just want the person I fell in love with back so badly. I truly feel like I am married to a completely different person. And to be perfectly honest, I don't like this new person very much at all.

When the old Kenny saw tears, he would lighten up because he realized it was hurting me. Now if I cry I just get made fun of. God forbid I say something while crying, then he just mimicks me like we did when we were in grade school. That is so demeaning. It seriously makes me feel stupid and weak because the more he does it the more I cry which just makes him worse.

A little bit ago, we got into it again. Kenny had played the XBOX about 2 hours, and I had run Ashley to the potty 6 times on false alarms, well the one time I said we aren't going unless you really have to go, she started grunting. Well off we ran, but it was to late, let me rephrase that, Kenny ran her to the bathroom, I was printing his reading out, and ran back there to. Well, Kenny left and came back in the living room while I sat in there for 10 minutes trying to get her to go, then wiping her. I didn't have a diaper in the bathroom, so I brought ash and a diaper to Kenny and said "Can you put her diaper on so I can finish putting your school work together?" He got pissed, got up stomping and screaming at me that I was tired of taking care of her and that I think he doesn't take care of her. I just stood there looking at him, and I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn't help it. He screamed at me to stop fucking staring at him, which just made me cry harder. I sat down at the desk and put my elbows on it, and put my head in my hands. I just wanted to disappear so bad! He paced back and forth around me, screaming and cussing, that I think he is a piece of shit, and everything he does it wrong, and he started screaming right in my ear that I am perfect and I never do a fucking thing wrong, little miss perfect. I swear on ashley's life, I never said a word! He went on and on and on. He tries to say he gets so mad because I scream at him and follow him around, honestly it doesn't matter what I do, nothing makes it better or worse, it just is what it is no matter what.

I absolutely do not think I am perfect, I tried very hard today to not be snappy because I knew Kenny was having a worse time than me. But I am sure I probably did snap at him at least once. But Jesus, everything out of my mouth was wrong!

I just want somebody to tell me this will pass! I just need a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. The other day at the VA there was a gulf war vet that got talking to Kenny, and right before we walked away, he Thanked Kenny again, then looked at me and thanked me for standing beside Kenny. He told Kenny that sometimes it is harder for the women to stand by the men, than for the men to go through what they do. I just wanted to bust out sobbing right there! I do not pity myself or want anyone else to pity me at all. But God it was so nice to have someone look in my eyes and truly know how hard it can be not to walk away!

I don't WANT to leave Kenny. I do still love him, but there truly comes a point when you have to step back and look at the positive and negative effects on your mental and emotional well being. I seriously don't know if I can do this much more! In a way I am looking forward to Rexon coming up, Rexon wont hesitate to tell Kenny he is being an Ass and maybe if he hears that from someone else, then he wont just think it's me putting the blame on him. Also, once Rexon gets his own place, maybe he would have a little extra space and we could take some time apart.......I need a break from this!

Well Gary, let me know what you think.....A little feedback please!

Depressed....

You know what, yeah I probably am fucking depressed! I live in a fucking mine field every day of my god damned life. Anything I say could be the next thing to set the bomb off. I am never allow to say anything that he doesn't agree with or it's hell to pay. It doesn't matter how many times I say I don't want to fight, he keeps up with his smart ass comments escalating more and more when the last one doesn't do it. 3 hours of it today, on and on and fucking on. Then I got to sit for over 30 minutes while he stomped me into the ground, saying what a bitch I am, and how I am on a high horse, honest to god, I didn't say a fucking word, but you know what I did do, I started to cry, and that was worse.....then he started making fun of me for it. Then just like always starts throwing divorce in my face to the point all I could say, more truthfully....all I could scream was "I HATE YOU!!!" I got my purse and my keys and got in my jeep and held the peddle to the floor so hard my whole leg was shaking, I got to the end of the road and pulled over and screamed and wailed like a banshee with tears that wouldn't stop, I couldn't breath!!!! I calmed down and drove back roads for more than a half hour and the worst part was when I finally pulled back in the driveway I didn't want to fucking go back in for anything!!!!! I walked in and went and laid down in the bed, all I wanted to do was be left alone, do you think it stopped there .... NOPE..... I got up to get my phone charger and bumped my shoulder into the wall, and he started making fun of me! Not in a haha joking way either.

Now he wants to leave and wants to take the $500 we have left, it is all we have...oh yeah..$644 hit the bank today but all of that but $175 goes out in bills, and I already had to spend $70 of that on diapers and wipes. But he wants me to give him the $500 and says that because I won't I am stealing from him, I told him no that is all I have to make sure Ashley gets what she needs. He said he is turning the ultilites off and I can sue him for child support and until then he doesn't give a fuck.....you know what that means to me.....he doesn't give a fuck, he will do anything to make me miserable and doesn't care if that affects ashley because his goal is to hurt me.

Seriously he wonders why I don't want to have sex with him, Jesus fucking christ!!!!!!!!!! Half of the time he is so busy calling me a cunt and saying hateful things to me that he never stops to think that maybe I just can't forget about that later. Why would I want to be intimate with the person who hurts me the most????

Now he walks up behind me reading what I have typed making fun of me.....Seriously who wouldn't be depressed going through this shit over and over?!?!?!?!?!

test

this is your test

Feeling Attacked

Today Mamaw has a doctor's appointment and Mom came in to take her. I just talked to Mom, and she told me to make sure that the storage spots are cleaned out so we can put the air conditioners away for winter. Mom knows that there is alot to take care of with this house, and when she comes in she like to help us get things done so that it isn't all left on us.

We haven't turned either air conditioner on in 3 weeks, and on top of that we have had to turn the furnace on. There is cold air coming in around the air conditioners which just makes it more expensive to keep the house warm.

Me and Kenny went out for a cigarette and I told Kenny that we needed to make room for the air conditioners because Mom was going to help us put them away. He was instantly pissed off, saying that everytime Mom comes in she plans out his day. He started yelling and being hateful. He said he could do things himself. I tried to explain to him that Mom is just trying to help us, and that she isn't trying to force him to do anything.

Part of it also stems from last winter when Kenny said he would take care of it, and the air conditioner sat on our dining room table all winter clear up until we put it back in the window. I don't want it sitting there for multiple reasons, one being that his family will be coming up for Christmas and we will need to use that table.

I just don't understand Kenny at all, he doesn't have the motivation to get up and do something on his own, but the minute that Mom wants to help so that it gets done, he gets pissed. My Mom has never looked at Kenny and said "You need to go do this", she always says "We need to get this done, so since I am in I will help you."

I have been getting very frustrated, Kenny made alot of problems when he came home from being locked up, he was going to clean the dirt pile up out of the yard (which has been there since July) and mow the grass for the final time. But there is always some excuse and now 2 weeks later neither thing has been done.

Certain things have to be taken care of a a certain time, and when Kenny does not do those things, either I have to do them, or Mom comes in and helps get them done if he hasn't done them. But he gets pissed over this and screams at me and attacks me and my mom to me, and it causes fights, now I have set down to blog about it and he is pissed because he is on a mission to take the air conditioners out before mom gets back, I guess for a way to get at her and me.

He is trying like hell to start a fight right now and I am not responding but it is hard as fuck! Just sit there and blog! is what I am hearing! On top of that he is making sure to not do things the right way, in our attic there isn't much room, so we have a little cubby space where we put the air conditioner, I just went up there to make sure we could put it there, and he has put the air conditioner right in the little walk way that is there and now you can't even get in the attic. We have to go up there repeatedly to check the heat tape, and all of our Christmas stuff is up there. So all Kenny has accomplished is making another fucking headache for me because he can't open his eyes and just see when someone is trying to help us, and that everyone is NOT trying to control him, but just get something done, that can't be put off.

He is still trying to fight, making smart ass comments constantly and talking hateful. I keep telling him that I will not fight with him, just stop talking to me. But it isn't doing much good, and I am afraid that now the whole day will be a fucking nightmare!

I refuse to help him because he is being so hateful! If I do the slightest thing and it isn't his way when he is like this he will just start screaming and cussing to the point he will say that he won't ride in the car with me, and then we will miss our groups. God some days I just really wish I could change it all, just rewind 3 1/2 years and be laying on that beach, single, my only worries were going to work and paying my bills. I didn't have to answer to anyone and no one had any control over me. I lived for me and I was truly happy ..... God on days like this I want that all back so badly. But truth is I don't feel like that deep down. I love Kenny more than anyone else except Ashley, and I will stand beside him no matter what, I will not abandon him. I made my choices and I meant in sickness and health, and I truly believe this is a sickness, I just hope and pray that we can make it to the health part eventually.

A Little Discouraged

Kenny has been doing awesome since he got out of the VA last Wednesday. A couple of mornings, it has been difficult to wake him up, but he has not been hateful or mean about it. But this morning I had to go sit with my Dad for a couple of hours. I tried to wake Kenny up nicely for a couple of hours, but then finally got to the point where I had to walk out the door. Kenny had told me the night before that he wanted up when I got up. So finally I went in there, and in a louder (but not yelling) more stern voice I told him to get up I didn't have time to do this and I had to leave, Ashley was already awake and he needed to get up and take care of her. He opened his eyes and then drifted right back asleep. So I said it again, more forceful this time. Well, that got him out of bed, but he was aggitated at me. Say shit like yes master. I tried to explain to him that I could not be late, Grandma had to leave and I had to be at Dad's in 10 minutes, but he just continued to be a smart ass. So I let it go and told him again that Ashley was awake and needed her milk and her diaper changed. He was sitting on the couch and said ok I will take care of it. I got to my Dad's house and after about 15 minutes tried to call Kenny twice, but he did not answer. I had left at 9:45 am and got back home at 12:45pm. Kenny was laying on the couch asleep. Ashley was wide awake in her crib. I was pretty aggitated because her diaper was soaked and because Kenny had just laid there and went back to sleep Ashley was the one that had to sit in piss for 3 hours. It took me another hour to get Kenny awake. At which point I asked him to please make her milk for her. I didn't think it was very fair that I had gotten up at 8:30 and taken care of Dad, then had to come home and change Ash's diaper and all the while Kenny was sleeping. I was extremely tired to but there are things to be done. Once Kenny was awake, he did give Ashely her milk, but then just set there under the blanket. I asked him if he would mind putting some clothes on and giving me the blanket because I was still cold even though I was fulling clothed and had my winter jacket on. For me to be warm, I would have to turn the furnace up to 75. So we have worked out a compromise of Kenny usually being dressed and me just covering up, that way he isn't sweating and I'm not freezing. When I asked Kenny for the blanket, he set there and acted like I hadn't said anything, I repeated it and again he ignored me. So I asked him why he was ignoring me, and he ranted about always doing things my way and he would go get dress so I could have the blanket because what I wanted was all that mattered. I asked what was wrong with him and he still ignored me. I told him that he was past due for him medicine and he needed to take it. He ignored me again. This upset me and I said "So I guess the new Kenny only lasted a week right?"He turned around and looked at me and said "You're really trying to push me aren't you?" I told him no that was just how I felt, all he was doing was going right back to how he was, he was mad at me I was (nagging) trying to wake him up like he told me to do, getting mad because I asked for the blanket so I didn't have to turn the furnace up (and make him sweat), and pointing out that he needed to take his medicine (which he has told me to keep track of and make sure that he takes it, and even calls me into the room to watch him take it.)So how the hell else was I suppose to feel about that? I stomped off and got in the shower, and I sat down to blog about it. He is out now and hopefully has realized that I am not out to piss him off.