Feeling Attacked

Today Mamaw has a doctor's appointment and Mom came in to take her. I just talked to Mom, and she told me to make sure that the storage spots are cleaned out so we can put the air conditioners away for winter. Mom knows that there is alot to take care of with this house, and when she comes in she like to help us get things done so that it isn't all left on us.

We haven't turned either air conditioner on in 3 weeks, and on top of that we have had to turn the furnace on. There is cold air coming in around the air conditioners which just makes it more expensive to keep the house warm.

Me and Kenny went out for a cigarette and I told Kenny that we needed to make room for the air conditioners because Mom was going to help us put them away. He was instantly pissed off, saying that everytime Mom comes in she plans out his day. He started yelling and being hateful. He said he could do things himself. I tried to explain to him that Mom is just trying to help us, and that she isn't trying to force him to do anything.

Part of it also stems from last winter when Kenny said he would take care of it, and the air conditioner sat on our dining room table all winter clear up until we put it back in the window. I don't want it sitting there for multiple reasons, one being that his family will be coming up for Christmas and we will need to use that table.

I just don't understand Kenny at all, he doesn't have the motivation to get up and do something on his own, but the minute that Mom wants to help so that it gets done, he gets pissed. My Mom has never looked at Kenny and said "You need to go do this", she always says "We need to get this done, so since I am in I will help you."

I have been getting very frustrated, Kenny made alot of problems when he came home from being locked up, he was going to clean the dirt pile up out of the yard (which has been there since July) and mow the grass for the final time. But there is always some excuse and now 2 weeks later neither thing has been done.

Certain things have to be taken care of a a certain time, and when Kenny does not do those things, either I have to do them, or Mom comes in and helps get them done if he hasn't done them. But he gets pissed over this and screams at me and attacks me and my mom to me, and it causes fights, now I have set down to blog about it and he is pissed because he is on a mission to take the air conditioners out before mom gets back, I guess for a way to get at her and me.

He is trying like hell to start a fight right now and I am not responding but it is hard as fuck! Just sit there and blog! is what I am hearing! On top of that he is making sure to not do things the right way, in our attic there isn't much room, so we have a little cubby space where we put the air conditioner, I just went up there to make sure we could put it there, and he has put the air conditioner right in the little walk way that is there and now you can't even get in the attic. We have to go up there repeatedly to check the heat tape, and all of our Christmas stuff is up there. So all Kenny has accomplished is making another fucking headache for me because he can't open his eyes and just see when someone is trying to help us, and that everyone is NOT trying to control him, but just get something done, that can't be put off.

He is still trying to fight, making smart ass comments constantly and talking hateful. I keep telling him that I will not fight with him, just stop talking to me. But it isn't doing much good, and I am afraid that now the whole day will be a fucking nightmare!

I refuse to help him because he is being so hateful! If I do the slightest thing and it isn't his way when he is like this he will just start screaming and cussing to the point he will say that he won't ride in the car with me, and then we will miss our groups. God some days I just really wish I could change it all, just rewind 3 1/2 years and be laying on that beach, single, my only worries were going to work and paying my bills. I didn't have to answer to anyone and no one had any control over me. I lived for me and I was truly happy ..... God on days like this I want that all back so badly. But truth is I don't feel like that deep down. I love Kenny more than anyone else except Ashley, and I will stand beside him no matter what, I will not abandon him. I made my choices and I meant in sickness and health, and I truly believe this is a sickness, I just hope and pray that we can make it to the health part eventually.